Let me talk
about sex again as it is one of my favourite subjects in life. The question
rises of course why does the old bugger bather about sex. Well my eldest
daughter who is only twelve yet has already various queries about boys and girls
and what is this sex thing where the others are chit chatting about. Ok I was a
bit older when I was struggling with these kind of things and I was in the
lucky position not being afraid to ask these kind of things.
I have been
raised in a normal but free of mind family and even it was a time of taboo my
mum gave me answers on most my questions in life. But sex was not an easy
subject to be discussed even it was years after the sexual revolution. I was
curious enough to lend some explicit books from the library and I was not older
than 14 years of age, I guess. My mum did not say a thing but I could hear her
think: “My little boy is becoming a man.”
From these
days on I promissed myself that I would do these things differently when I
would have kids of my own. And now the time has come and all of a sudden I
understand why my mum had such a hard time with all my deep and sometimes
difficult questions as her answers had to come from her own knowledge and
experiences. At least I’ve got internet to help out. I can’t say that I am more
experienced as my mum and I never really talked about this.
Maybe I
have done things right but I am sure that I have done many things wrong. As I
have been through some rough moments in life and in my case some fuses were
blown out. I worked as a bartender at those days. Alright I was not much of a
Casanova but I had my share trouble was that none of those women was a stayer.
And I was not the greatest lover probably and there was definately a use for
both. Sexual freedom can be brutal. When I woke up hungover in the morning next
to a girl that I thought who the hell are you. I sat on the side of the bed and
said to this girl: “I think I like strawberryjam better than sex.” I know now
that this was very low and cruel and I probably have hurt a few. Sorry for that
but hey I was young, free and single.
Sex can
mean many things and happens for many different reasons: An expression of love,
a release of completely natural but sometimes overwhelming feelings or urges,
an act of rebellion, an expected rite of passage, but the feelings that come
with sex quite often don’t marry up with what people expect. I know
people who have felt guilt, regret, shame, hurt, pain, pride, envy, passion,
love, and a cocophony of in emotions in between. What I mean by this is that
sometimes the outcome of sex is not always positive and that you don’t always
get what you bargain for.
I gave up
on relationships myself when my girlfriend left me for an other guy, I was that
heartbroken that women became more and more objects and in my opinion none of
them could love me as much as I had loved her. I got totally isolated and after
a while I did not have anyone left then only myself. I did not feel sorry for
what I did and disrepected all the females completely. My anger was bigger than
I could handle and I di not care about someone elses feelings. To me it was a
private against all these bloody ........
For me sex
became a currency with which I could buy back control over my life. Control
over feelings of not being good enough, control over not feeling beautiful. It
allowed me to shut off my feelings (or so I thought) and detach emotionally
from it. I got my kicks whilst not requiring the intimacy. I kidded myself I
did not need though desperately wanted. As crazy as it sounds I relished having
this level of control over my life even at the expense of my happiness.
I did not
expect a fairytale ending but I was not adequately prepared for the
consequences either.The time in my life described above was a lonely and
isolating time, desolate and self-destructive. It aligned itself with other
destructive behaviours and negative thought patterns. It damaged me
emotionally, and almost fatally wounded me spiritually. But when I did move
past that time in my life- partly by growing up, partly by removing myself from
situations it occurred in and by working hard on my thought patterns- there
were still ramifications. Spiritually the healing came a lot later.
When I did
find the love of my life and invited her into my life again I learned to
forgive people, received his forgiveness and after a while learnt to forgive
myself too. Accepting that forgiveness and fighting to regain the
innocence that was lost and establish purity as a theme in my thoughts, words
and deeds is tough but doable. It
was worthwhile and beneficial and will continue to bless me I’m sure. Even now
I have my moments and these are the scars of my past. So many times I fall back
in these old patterns and when I do this my spouse is putting me back on my feet
again.
Believe me
when I say: “Sex never comes with no strings attached.”
I naive
bastard thought I could handle it, that I was mature enough and untouchable but
I wasn’t. I got hurt. My hope is that people thinking of some no strings
attached ‘fun’ don’t believe the hype or the myth that everyone’s doing it and
that it’s fun and sexy.
Not
everyone is doing it, it’s not always fun or sexy and it comes with physical,
emotional risks. More than that though, I hope people who have been in
that place or similar realise there is an exit strategy.
Take heart,
have hope, you can always be so much more than you are now. This is not
all there is to you and you are not confined to or defined by this.
It did not
become a fairytale ending but for a soap opera that life is to me it is is
quite a happy ending. And I am enjoying every minute of it. Life can be a real
bitch and I know that for sure. Enjoy sex with the one you love but don’t
expect that you will live happily ever after. Love is coming in many ways when you don't expect that other persons are perfect.