Sex is something

Let me talk about sex again as it is one of my favourite subjects in life. The question rises of course why does the old bugger bather about sex. Well my eldest daughter who is only twelve yet has already various queries about boys and girls and what is this sex thing where the others are chit chatting about. Ok I was a bit older when I was struggling with these kind of things and I was in the lucky position not being afraid to ask these kind of things.

I have been raised in a normal but free of mind family and even it was a time of taboo my mum gave me answers on most my questions in life. But sex was not an easy subject to be discussed even it was years after the sexual revolution. I was curious enough to lend some explicit books from the library and I was not older than 14 years of age, I guess. My mum did not say a thing but I could hear her think: “My little boy is becoming a man.”

 

From these days on I promissed myself that I would do these things differently when I would have kids of my own. And now the time has come and all of a sudden I understand why my mum had such a hard time with all my deep and sometimes difficult questions as her answers had to come from her own knowledge and experiences. At least I’ve got internet to help out. I can’t say that I am more experienced as my mum and I never really talked about this.

Maybe I have done things right but I am sure that I have done many things wrong. As I have been through some rough moments in life and in my case some fuses were blown out. I worked as a bartender at those days. Alright I was not much of a Casanova but I had my share trouble was that none of those women was a stayer. And I was not the greatest lover probably and there was definately a use for both. Sexual freedom can be brutal. When I woke up hungover in the morning next to a girl that I thought who the hell are you. I sat on the side of the bed and said to this girl: “I think I like strawberryjam better than sex.” I know now that this was very low and cruel and I probably have hurt a few. Sorry for that but hey I was young, free and single.

Sex can mean many things and happens for many different reasons: An expression of love, a release of completely natural but sometimes overwhelming feelings or urges, an act of rebellion, an expected rite of passage, but the feelings that come with sex quite often don’t marry up with what people expect. I know people who have felt guilt, regret, shame, hurt, pain, pride, envy, passion, love, and a cocophony of in emotions in between. What I mean by this is that sometimes the outcome of sex is not always positive and that you don’t always get what you bargain for.

I gave up on relationships myself when my girlfriend left me for an other guy, I was that heartbroken that women became more and more objects and in my opinion none of them could love me as much as I had loved her. I got totally isolated and after a while I did not have anyone left then only myself. I did not feel sorry for what I did and disrepected all the females completely. My anger was bigger than I could handle and I di not care about someone elses feelings. To me it was a private against all these bloody ........

For me sex became a currency with which I could buy back control over my life. Control over feelings of not being good enough, control over not feeling beautiful. It allowed me to shut off my feelings (or so I thought) and detach emotionally from it. I got my kicks whilst not requiring the intimacy. I kidded myself I did not need though desperately wanted. As crazy as it sounds I relished having this level of control over my life even at the expense of my happiness.

I did not expect a fairytale ending but I was not adequately prepared for the consequences either.The time in my life described above was a lonely and isolating time, desolate and self-destructive. It aligned itself with other destructive behaviours and negative thought patterns. It damaged me emotionally, and almost fatally wounded me spiritually. But when I did move past that time in my life- partly by growing up, partly by removing myself from situations it occurred in and by working hard on my thought patterns- there were still ramifications. Spiritually the healing came a lot later.

When I did find the love of my life and invited her into my life again I learned to forgive people, received his forgiveness and after a while learnt to forgive myself too. Accepting that forgiveness and fighting to regain the innocence that was lost and establish purity as a theme in my thoughts, words and deeds is tough but doable. It was worthwhile and beneficial and will continue to bless me I’m sure. Even now I have my moments and these are the scars of my past. So many times I fall back in these old patterns and when I do this my spouse is putting me back on my feet again.

Believe me when I say: “Sex never comes with no strings attached.”

I naive bastard thought I could handle it, that I was mature enough and untouchable but I wasn’t. I got hurt. My hope is that people thinking of some no strings attached ‘fun’ don’t believe the hype or the myth that everyone’s doing it and that it’s fun and sexy.

Not everyone is doing it, it’s not always fun or sexy and it comes with physical, emotional risks. More than that though, I hope people who have been in that place or similar realise there is an exit strategy.

Take heart, have hope, you can always be so much more than you are now. This is not all there is to you and you are not confined to or defined by this.

It did not become a fairytale ending but for a soap opera that life is to me it is is quite a happy ending. And I am enjoying every minute of it. Life can be a real bitch and I know that for sure. Enjoy sex with the one you love but don’t expect that you will live happily ever after. Love is coming in many ways when you don't expect that other persons are perfect.